You Visit. I Tell You When To Leave

As a parent, I often find it easier to socialize by having people come to our place, rather than meeting at a restaurant or going to someone else’s house. My house is set up for the age of my kids, whereas other people’s homes aren’t, unless they also have kids who are the same age.

When we had a newborn, our place had the bassinet, change table, breastfeeding pillow, rocking chair etc. When our kids reached crawling age, our place had a stair gate and dangerous things stored out of reach. And when they got old enough to eat solids, we added a high chair and baby utensils.

So, it was easier to invite people over. This meant we were always the hosts. Which suited me fine - I love to host. The only issue was keeping visits short and manageable.

During a recent Zoom meeting I had, after an hour of conversation, the host said, “Okay I think we are good here, let’s wrap this up. I’ll end the call for everyone now.” Something dawned on me. In the virtual world that has been created since the pandemic, the “host” is in charge of the hangout. In the Zoom world, the host sets the meeting time, the host invites the guests, and the host decides when the meeting ends.

Why does this last rule not apply to real-life hangouts? It would be considered rude for the host to stand up at the end of a dinner party and say, “Okay, I think it’s time to end this now. Everyone, out the door you go!” This recent realization showed me that the pandemic provided an important lesson about what it means to “host.” And how we’ve got it all backward when it comes to hosting etiquette.

When you host an in-person gathering, the length of the visit is usually determined by the person visiting. They decide when to leave. This is awkward when you’re a parent and you’re exhausted. When I had a newborn, I was so happy to have people visit, but I wish I could have decided when it was time for them to go, and not felt rude about implementing that boundary.

In North American society, when you have a baby, lots of people want to visit. It’s nice! People want to welcome your new human.That said, keeping visits short and sweet is important. It is crucial that you are getting the rest and recuperation time you need in those early postpartum days. Setting boundaries about visiting is necessary, but can be really difficult in our culture, where asking people to leave is considered rude.

Let’s allow Zoom hosting etiquette to be one of the few silver linings we take from the pandemic. The host decides when the hangout ends.

When you next have a visitor, try introducing to them the idea of applying Zoom Hosting etiquette to real life. Be bold and ask people for what you need during your postpartum recovery and on your parenting journey. “I’d love to see you. Can we agree that you’ll just stay an hour? I need to rest after that.” And, don’t be afraid to remind them once the hour hits: “Okay! That’s one hour! Thanks so much for coming to visit.”