An Alternative to Advice

Something I love about parenting is the way, when spending time with other mums, I pick up new ideas and skills to help make parenting easier.

I was recently chatting with a mum who said that when her daughter empties the dishwasher, she gives her a quarter. Up to that point, my method had been to wait until the end of the week, and then give my daughter pocket money if she did her chores all week. This actually hadn’t been working because a) I kept forgetting to give it at the end of the week, b) I had to think back and remember, “did she do her chores on Tuesday?”, and c) I knew that it was probably better to reinforce her positive behaviour right away, rather than later in the week. 

Moments like this, where conversations with other parents give me new ideas, make me think about what shapes us as parents.

First, there are the external influences and all the things we subconsciously pick up from our own parents (ever find yourself uttering something to your child and then think, “Ugh, I sound just like my mother…” ? YUP. Me too!) 

And then, as adults, there are the things we witness in the parenting that is around us (our siblings, friends, or colleagues who have children). In these cases, we selectively pick up certain parenting behaviours we admire, and leave behind the ones that don't align with our values.

Some of what we pick up from our own parents and others is positive and other behaviours need to be attended to. Figuring out the kind of parent you want to be is a process of self awareness and growth. 

In my work as a doula, I often see struggles arise when family members, friends, and colleagues start to give unsolicited advice about parenting to new parents.

You may end up having to deal with this and I'd love to give you an option for how to deal with it. The next time someone offers you unsolicited advice that feels more like a judgement or a critique, use the word "perspective" instead. As in "they are offering me their perspective," rather than "they are offering me advice." Here's why:

 The word “perspective” is a reminder that there is no ONE correct way to parent (see my blog post here for more about this). It can also open to a conversation about how parenting looks very different for everyone.

The word “perspective” will allow you to assess the different viewpoint that you are being offered and then choose whether or not to incorporate and absorb it into your parenting toolkit. 

You can also educate the person giving you unsolicited advice by using the word “perspective” when responding to them. By simply replying, “I appreciate your perspective,” you maintain ownership of your parenting choices, and you distinguish them from the opinions and advice of others. This illustrates that it’s okay their perspective is different than yours and it’s okay to turn down opinions and advice. 

Sidenote: It can be especially difficult to do this when distinguishing your own parenting choices from those of your parents! It’s okay to remind them that you are raising children in a different decade and in a very different sociological context than they raised you in.

Reminder: If the perspective being offered doesn’t align with the way you want to parent and are able to parent, turn it down.