Parenthood In The Age Of Technology

During the early years of becoming a parent, I was riddled with anxiety about whether I was doing the right things for my daughter. I was so terrified I was “messing her up.” 

Will she ever sleep through the night? Should I be sleep training her?

Is she getting enough milk? Should I be topping up with formula?

Am I present and engaged enough with her? Do I use my phone too much around her?

Is her environment stimulating enough to help her learn?

Is she getting enough outdoor time?

Am I taking her swimming often enough?

Is it normal that she cries so much in the evenings?

Will she always remember the times I cried? Have I emotionally damaged her?

I’ve always had a tendency toward overthinking. Sometimes, I have seen this as a great gift - deep thinking has allowed me to have insight and build connection with people. Alas, it has also sometimes been to my detriment. When I first had my daughter, who is now 7, I persistently looked outside of myself for the answers on the “right way to parent.” I would torture myself with questions like these ones above.

Here’s what I’ve realized since those long nights lying awake worrying:

We’ve been raising children since the beginning of humankind.

We’ve been writing parenting books since the mid 1900s.

We’ve been scientifically studying parenting styles since the 1980s.

Yet there is still no single unified agreement on how parenting should best be done.

Because there is no right way to parent.

The technological age has us constantly comparing ourselves on social media to the way other people are parenting. We forget that no parent is going to post online about the not-so-great moments. So the snapshot we get looks idyllic, perfect, joyful, fulfilling, and unrealistic.

We also turn to the internet when we have a question - either on Google or on social media parenting groups. For every question we have there are contradictory answers to be found online. And there is always an answer somewhere on the internet that will induce fear. No matter how many positive things you read, that one scary answer is the one you will remember. This is our human bias toward negativity: we tend to fixate on the thing that is worrying us or that we feel we need to protect ourselves against.

I found that searching for answers online intensified my anxiety, rather than relieving it. So I stopped searching.

My parenting anxiety, for the most part, melted away. And my journey with my second baby was far less anxiety-riddled. Of course, I still worry about my children - this is a natural part of parenthood. What’s changed for me is that now, instead of turning to the computer when I am looking for direction, I try to turn to my own intuition, and to my kids. They are the ones who can tell me what they need, and I am the one who is then able to provide what it is that they need - be it food, words of comfort, or a warm blanket.

When we are new parents it can be very, very difficult to tune into our intuition. We feel vulnerable and anxious and possibly sleep-deprived. Add to that, hormonal shifts, which increase fogginess and self-doubt. It's a recipe for lack of trust, at a time when you most need to trust yourself. And it often pushes people to look outside of themselves for the answers.

When I am supporting families in this vulnerable postpartum period, I really focus on trying to help them see that they can trust their intuition. I try to encourage them to see the signs their baby is giving them to show they are okay, and to tune out the background noise that is the internet. I try to remind them that social media is not representative of real life. I try to remind them that the internet can be a great resource but can also contain a lot of stuff that is not founded in fact.

And finally, I remind them that, as Theodore Roosevelt once said, “comparison is the thief of joy.” Joy comes from engaging with your family, and listening to the wisdom that you already have within. You just have to give it a chance to be heard.